Counting down the days until April!  It is getting closer and closer until I go home.  I was so excited and still am but, my mother has started her crazy antics again.  You know the military has always enabled me to get away from her and thats really about the only thing I like about....ok a few other things but, being away from my horses is what makes me dislike it really.   If I had my horses (maybe I'd just settle for Gunner) and my dog I'd stay over here forever and never think twice about going back home.  Now, don't get me wrong I love my mother but, she forgets that I'm not 5 anymore...I'm grown.  She can't keep trying to control my life and she really needs to stop using the guilt trip on me.  She is going to push 'her baby' farther and farther away.  The only thing holding us together right now is she is the only person I trust to take care of my animals while I'm gone.  She is a lonely old woman who needs to get a real man (her bf is never around and lives far away) and learn to let go of me.  I should not be the only reason she wants to be in this world.  I should not be the one that holds her together....she should learn to be happy on her own.  I'm tired her of mood swings...I swear she is bi-polar.  I've lived with her shit too long...I've lived with the mind games for too long...I don't need them anymore and here they are starting to emerge from a very lovely 8 months relationship with my mother.  A relationship that revolved around many emails and a few phone convos.  It was wonderful and it felt as if we were building our relationship back up to were I was happy and she was too.  I've spent years doing whatever I could to make her happy and avoiding what made me happy.  She is somewhat like a small child that parents have aloud to figure if she cries she gets what she wants...well yep, thats my mother a little spoiled kid.  "I know if I cry and tell her how much she hurt me and how I couldn't believe she could ever hurt me that bad.... I will get what I want."  I'm done for now it's lunch time

Wow its been almost a year since my last post.  Things sure have changed.  I'm back from the Army. 

 I lost my wonderful guy.  We were together for a year and broke up 3 weeks before I came home.   That I will never understand.  He broke my heart and I graveled over it for sometime.  And even now some 3 months later I come across something of his or something he gave me and I yet again feel the pain of loosing him.  I just want him back in my life.  Not as a boyfriend just as a friend.  I want my best friend back. 

I also moved.  To a great place where my horses have more than enough room.  But, its 70 miles from my friends.  It kind of sucks in some ways.  But, its ok.  I deal with everything.

My cousin has always been a person that is always going through depression.  I have never really been through much depression.  Nothing lasting very long.  But, I began experienceing it when I returned home to find out I couldn't get my guy back....he was really gone.  Then moving to a place where I knew no one.  So far from my friends.  It was so hard.

I met a true best friend while I was in basic.  We also went to AIT together.  We are both redneck girls.  She brought me home with her after AIT and her friends and family took me right in.  I call her dad, dad and he calls me his daughter.  He has even offered me a place to live.

I met her 2 best friends and they are now my 2 best friends.  The boys are just great.  I love both of them. 

Its late but I have much to tell.